Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
