Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize