Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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