oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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