i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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