Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
