Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
