my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I wish there were birth control emojis
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
