sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize