if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
