I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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