I CAN MOONWALK!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You need a sexual gate keeper
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize