I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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