you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
