Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They should really pass out barf bags in church
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
