I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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