Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
