I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
