Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
