The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
