I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
