In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
