The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
