this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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