Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
