can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
