me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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