you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
And then he peed in my hair
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