i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
