Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also, beer. Big fan.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
