So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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