I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
