I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
