I just pynch a tree in the face
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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