nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
