Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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