I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
