I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
