I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
