no. you can't hotbox the world.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
