There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
