Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
