So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
babies were throwing up all over the place
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize