he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
