she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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