were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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