She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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