I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
