i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
two words: eviction party
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
