Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
