Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
