I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I pour the whiskey from now on
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
