Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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