dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
