I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
We smell like vodka and hangover
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
