Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
