dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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