**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my phone needs a breathalizer
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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