he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
